‘If Only We Could Know’ : 100 Days of being an actress

‘If only we could know’  is the last line of Chekhov’s play ‘Three Sisters’, Olga, the oldest sister talks about the great losses in their lives, they do not know what is ahead nor how they will be remembered and repeats four times ‘If only we could know’. I have been thinking of the great truth that is, not just in the life of a creative but in all of us. We never do or can know how our lives will turn out or indeed be remembered, even the pathways we take that should come out into an obvious clearing often don’t.

You can have a full time job and a fulfilled family and yet over time your heart or your job may change. Lovers leave, children grow up, the years you spent writing a novel that you didn’t finish, or did and then never got it into the hands of a publisher or an agent. The years of being an artist and then you gave up to raise a family maybe just one part or one song away from ‘success’.

It is even more so, this not knowing,  when the next project is at the whim of our own imaginations or others. I have spent today writing a script for the next bit of my solo theatre show, I have no idea if it will work, if it is a waste of time, it may propel me to the next step of my career or just be something my friends just smile politely at its mention.

‘oh yes that project of yours’

Is it funny enough? Drak enough? Intelligent enough? Am I good enough to deliver it? If only I could know which of my creative dreams will work. I do know which ones will come to pass; the ones that I take the time to do, to fill out, to put on stages and into scripts. But how they are received?  It may be with all this time I have spent crafting a career as an actor and performer is wasted, the years of training, of singing and voice practice comes to nought. Or I may be like those who get recognisation afterwards, such as Picasso’s brilliance was never truly acknowledged, he worked very hard and yet sold few paintings for long periods of time. (I can dream of such recognition!!)

Perserverance is power – Picasso

Only a man who made over 100,000 pieces of art no matter whether they sold or fell short of his or the market’s expectations say that. Get it tattooed somewhere you can see it.

Or worse could my father be right? That I should have stayed in the relative safety of trading, with my large income, bonuses and ridiculously large shoe collection and not let my creative soul out.

No, it would be lovely if every time we started a new project or new journey that we could know the end, but where would be the joy and growth in that? I do know that this very adrenalin of a life lived on the edge of not knowing actually is the way forward, the only place really to create. Yes pay your bills where you can but if your life is only about paying your bills for a large car and house rather than listening to your inner voice that softly suggests:

You could make… you could write… you could record…. make a film about…….

I don’t want to remembered like that as someone who didn’t fly after her dreams whether her wings are shiny and angelic or broken with blood and tears on them.  I am even thinking of downsizing my living quarters at present so that I can keep focusing, I have to move in any case but I do know to take on another large monthly rent burden which I will then have to focus massive amounts of my energy and time to pay for… is a bad trade against my next projects and my ‘I could’s’.

So as I print out my script today I am suddenly also terrified by the sudden realisations of what this project is saying I need to deliver. Suddenly I can see the incredible amount of art, artistry, character work that has yet  to go in to make this show good, let alone great. The carrot is that it could be amazing, life changing, a story I need to tell. I have had the central comedy character idea for four years and hardly developed it and now I can see the breadth of its possibilities but also the depths I need to go to be rigorous in carving my ‘David’ out of the marble. Yes it is scary and ‘if only I could know’ that it will turn out brilliantly or even well, that the theatre show, the film version, the website possibilities then it would be easier to fight my demons turning up as doubt and procrastination.

However all I can do is take it a day at a time, see what I uncover. I am mid a ten week weekly workshop primarily to force myself to write as I know each Tuesday evening I have to present something and on Tues July 8th at the Lost Theatre, Wandsworth, London I will show what I have done to an actual real life audience 😉

How to get yourself moving on a scary project:

• Deadlines – set yourself an immovable one such as a booked date in a public space to show your work
• Group encouragement – get together in a weekly group to work, discuss, dream
• Ask ‘What next’? take the next small step in your project,
• Put aside worrying re the funds, the press reviews, how to sell it, just do what you can right now.

I went to James Lavelle’s Meltdown Festival at the Southbank this weekend. James is one of the original superstar DJ’s and set up his record company MO Wax at 18. Through this label so much amazing electro music came out. We danced to James Lavelle DJing outside on the terrace in the sun, went in to see A Guy Called Gerald DJ (amazing!) and then Jeff Miles did a music and mindtripping cinematic experience called The Trip – see my Vines. The whole evening ended up with Craig Richards, one of the brilliant Fabric DJ’s playing in The Clore Ballroom where I danced til he stopped. I have sang classical and folk music on this very floor of this ballroom but I have never raved here at least!

Craig Richards DJ at the Clore Ballroom

It was the culmination of a 10 day festival curated by James Lavelle, who at the end of it all was exhausted but happy, high on the fact that as he said even the homeless had been able to walk in to the ballroom and listen to the music, dance in the space. I am sure when he was 18 struggling with running a label, though no doubt high on the hope of youth and a dream, that the possibility that he would end up curating a 10 day festival at the Southbank and the Royal Festival Hall would never had occured to him.

Maybe part of the joy of ‘If Only we could know’ is that sometimes  we actually can’t imagine how great some moments in our lives can be, and the ones that require the biggest risks actually bring the biggest highs and best rewards. 😉

So I hope you take a step today towards your current project, ask what’s next and do it!